Hammers and Shields
by Riverofwind25
Summary: A set of ficlets based around our two favorite blond heroes. Thundershield, with some mentions of ScienceBoyfriends, Clintasha, and possibly Loki x Darcy in the future. Rating may go up. Reviews appreciated!
1. Shopping

** Prompt: Shopping  
**

* * *

Tony circled the bed, an expression of disbelief on his face. The mattress, bought just three weeks ago, had a spring sticking out of it. "How did you two even...forget it, I don't wanna know."

He looked to Thor and Steve. The soldier was avoiding eye contact with Tony, face flushed red. Thor didn't look the slightest bit embarrassed. "How was I to know this would happen? The beds are more resilient in Asgard."

"I don't want to know. Now I have to walk into a mattress store with two big blond guys. That won't look weird at all." He sighed heavily. "Alright, let's go. Don't have sex on the displays, us mortals consider that impolite."

* * *

"What about this one?"

Tony glanced at the mattress in question. "Nah, go look at the foam ones. I'd hate for Captain Purity to get stabbed in the face by a spring."

"Glad to know you care."

The three wandered the store, Steve and Thor hand in hand, with Tony glancing back on occasion to make sure the god didn't do anything embarrassing.

"What do you think of this one?" The super soldier was pressing down on one of the aforementioned foam mattresses. Thor plunked himself down onto it. "It's comfortable. I like it."

Tony looked down at the price, and nodded approvingly. "This one's good." He then left to fetch an employee to ring it up.

Steve sat on the mattress beside his lover. "It does feel pretty nice."

"Shall we test that tonight?"

"Thor!" Steve looked at the Asgardian, cheeks pink, eyes wide, looking perfectly scandalized. Thor chuckled inwardly at the sight. "Don't say that so loud..."

The god smirked, pressing his lips to Steve's. The soldier blushed even darker, and their noses bumped as he went for another kiss.

Tony returned at that moment, with two workers. He face-palmed, the sound alerting the couple to his arrival. "Thor, slow your roll, there's people here. Steve, pull your shirt down. Little Cap is saluting."

They sprang apart, Thor grinning while Steve tried to pull his shirt lower, not looking anyone in the eye. The mattress was loaded into the back of a store truck while Tony, Steve, and Thor hopped back into the billionaire's car.

Tony sighed loudly. "What did I tell you two about displays?"

Thor defended them from the back seat. "Steve and I were not making love in the store, were we?"

"Can we change the subject?"

"No. Now the people who work there are gonna tell the press that my friends are exhibitionists. I need to carry a spray bottle with me when I'm out with you, and spritz you guys every time you do more than hold hands or kiss on the cheek. I don't want a repeat of the club incident."

"That was months ago!"

"Can we _please_ talk about something else?"


	2. Movie

** I was feeling a little lazy on this one, so it's shorter. Any ideas would be appreciated! Prompt: Movie**

* * *

Steve cuddled into Thor's side, laying his head on the god's shoulder. The Avengers were having one of their weekly movie nights, and Tony hadn't shut up about The Hobbit for the past month. Clint put a bowl of popcorn onto the table and settled down besides Natasha, while Tony practically laid across Bruce.

* * *

Thor's eyebrows knitted together as he gazed at the screen.

"Wouldn't they have collapsed with exhaustion by this time?" Bilbo and the dwarves were being chased yet again. Tony looked up from his place in Bruce's lap.

"It's not supposed to be realistic, Thor. It's supposed to be dramatic and catch our attention. Since when were you the logical one?"

Steve smiled, and leaned forward to grab a handful of the cooling popcorn.


	3. Glitter

Thor's stomach rumbled. He slipped out of bed, being careful not to disturb the super soldier sleeping beside him. Hopefully there were still a few packs of chocolate fudge pop-tarts left...

* * *

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, all thoughts of food were replaced by one of shock and surprise. The living room was. Completely. Covered. In. Glitter. The god stood, his jaw practically on the floor, as he took in the scene. Tony was draped over the couch, while Clint was sprawled out on the floor. Both men were liberally coated with the sparkly substance. The coffee table was cluttered with empty bottles and canisters, while a large fan sat a few feet away. Thor decided that he didn't want to be there when Bruce or Natasha came down for food or coffee, so he quickly walked into the kitchen, seized two packs of pop-tarts - then, as an afterthought, grabbed a third for Steve when he awoke. As he re-entered the bedroom, Steve began to stir.

"G'morning." Steve rubbed his eyes, a sleepy smile on his face, hair mussed. Thor thought the soldier looked rather...cute in the morning-not that Steve would believe him. Thor handed his lover a pop-tart. "Thank you."

Shouts were heard from downstairs- Natasha had discovered the chaos in the living room.

'What's she yelling about?"

"Glitter."

Steve raised an eyebrow, but didn't ask any questions.


	4. Dog

Tony had protested at first.

"Thor, you can't just bring random strays here. What if she craps on my carpet? I'm not cleaning it up."The stray in question was the brown and white basset-mix laying on the floor. Thor had been sent to the market to pick up some milk, and, after seeing a flash of movement in an alleyway, had gone to investigate. He'd found the dog behind the dumpster, and felt it would be wrong to leave her there. Steve was leaning over from his spot on the couch, and scratching her behind one floppy ear. Thor tried to reason with Tony.

"I couldn't just leave her alone. I take responsibility if she misbehaves."

"I'm still not-" The billionaire never finished that sentence. The dog had risen from her spot on the carpet, and nudged Tony's hand with her cold nose, as if to say 'Pet me!'. She looked at him with a pitiful, loving expression. The philanthropist was silent for a moment, looking into the animal's eyes. "...So what's her name?"

Steve arched one light-brown eyebrow. "I thought you didn't want to keep her?"

"I changed my mind."

"Her name will be Valkyrie."

"Alright, that's done. Now, where's she gonna sleep?"

* * *

**In Norse mythology, the Valkyrie are female figures who decide which soldiers die in battle, and which ones survive. Half of the dead are escorted to Valhalla, which is ruled by Odin, and the other half go to Folkvangr, which is a field ruled by Freyja.**


	5. Story

It was a cold and rainy day in Manhattan. The Avengers (and Loki) were grouped in the living room of the Tower, watching bad movies on the Sci-Fi channel. Clint and Natasha were seated on the couch, along with Tony and Bruce. The billionaire had his legs draped over Bruce's lap, while Clint's hand rested on Natasha's knee. Thor and Steve had crammed themselves into the loveseat, their fingers laced. Valkyrie dozed under the coffee table, while Loki sat alone in an armchair, legs crossed. Tony grimaced as a terribly animated shark leapt across the TV screen.

"Were they trying to make a terrible movie? It's as if they were sitting around, trying to get ideas for it, and somebody was joking around and said 'Hey, lets make it about a prehistoric shark that's resurrected in modern time, and roars when it jumps out of the water' and the producers took them seriously."

Clint nodded. " I think that's what happened when Twilight became a movie franchise." As he spoke, Bruce had leaned forward, and seized the remote control. He turned the TV off.

"I couldn't watch anymore of that."

"Thank you."

Natasha took the opportunity to speak. "Since we're not doing anything else now, why don't I tell you all what happened in Budapest? It all started when-" Clint interrupted her.

"No. That's a story to never be told."

"You're no fun."

"You love me." The red-head didn't reply. Loki, who'd been watching the exchange in amusement, threw in his opinion.

"I think Thor should tell us about the time he lost his hammer. Don't you think so, brother?"

Thor groaned. "No, I don't think I should tell of that incident."

"Come on, how bad could it have been?" Clint reasoned.

"No."

"If you don't tell us, I'll put the Club Incident in my autobiography._ A Smirk and a Cheesy One-Liner, Chapter 18: Why You Should Never Take A Norse God And A Super-Soldier To A Nightclub_."

"No."

"_I'd_ like to know." Steve looked at Thor pleadingly. "_I'm_ interested." Thor sighed, a tad dramatically.

"Alright. If you want to know..."

"Story time! Everybody pull up a carpet square." Thor looked at Tony, eyebrows creased together.

"A...carpet square?"

"Yeah. You know, the teachers telling a story, sit on your carpet square and listen? Didn't you have carpet squares in Asgard?"

Loki answered. "No. We didn't have carpet squares in Asgard." It was silent for a moment.

Thor cleared his throat. "Anyway...it was many, many years ago. I woke up one morning, and Mjolnir was missing. Nobody knew it was gone except for Loki and I, so we went to see Freyja for help."

Loki cut in. "Freyja has a feather cloak that turns the wearer into a bird. Thor asked to borrow it, and I put it on, and flew off. As I flew over Jotunheim, Thrym- he's a frost giant- saw me, and asked why I was there alone. I told him about Thor's hammer, and Thrym told me that he'd hidden Mjolnir, and would only retrieve it if he could marry Freyja."

"When wee told Freyja, she got rather angry, and refused to marry the giant. So we all met to discuss a solution, and Heimdall suggested that I go in Freyja's place...as a bride."

Tony snickered, and received a sharp glare from the God of Thunder. "Sorry, Thor. I'm sure you looked very pretty in your wedding dress." Even Bruce smiled at that.

Loki continued the story. "Of course, my brother didn't like that idea, but it was the only way to retrieve his hammer. So we got Thor all dressed up, and I went with him to Jotunheim, as a bridesmaid. And that evening, when we met with Thrym and the other Jotuns, Thor wasn't acting very womanly, and I had to cover for him. For example, when he ate an entire ox, I had to say that he hadn't eaten in days, due to nerves. Eventually, Thrym's sister arrived, and that was when he brought out Mjolnir, to 'sanctify the bride.'"

"He laid the hammer on my lap, and I laughed, then seized it, and killed all of them. And that's the end of it."

Natasha arched an eyebrow. "That escalated a little quickly toward the end."

"Couldn't you have just called it back to you, instead of going to all that trouble?"

"It's not always that easy, Clint."

"So if you and Steve got married, would you have to sanctify him and whip out a hammer? If it could hold Loki down, Steve wouldn't have a good time with it on his lap."

"No, Tony, things were different then."


	6. Overheard

"Nngh! Oh, Thor!"

Tony Stark sat in the living room of the Avengers Tower, hands clamped over his ears. Point Break was playing quietly across the TV screen, while Bruce slept, head in Tony's lap. Normally the philanthropist would enjoy the moment, but that was hard to do when you could hear your star-spangled teammate getting screwed into next week. The usual solution would have been to turn up the volume of the TV until all the sounds of super-god sex were drowned out, but reaching the remote would require waking the scientist in his lap. Tony heaved a sigh.

"Ah! There! Harder!" Quick, ragged breaths followed Steve's words, along with some deep moans from Thor.

The billionaire cringed. Ugh. Clint and Natasha were god-knows-where, so Tony couldn't count on one of them to pound on Steve and Thor's door, and shout at them to keep it down. How could Bruce sleep through this? Who knew Captain Purity could be so vocal...

"Oh, oh, Thor, I'm gonna...Ah!" There was a low, rumbling groan, and the noises ceased.

Tony lowered his hands from his ears, half expecting the two to start up again. There was silence. The philanthropist grinned in relief, and made a mental note to buy some ear plugs. Bruce slept on.

* * *

Thor flopped down next to Steve. They were both sweaty and panting after their recent exertions. Steve took a moment to catch his breath before speaking. "That was amazing." Thor said nothing, but pulled Steve into his arms. The soldier was a little resistant at first- he preferred to shower at this point, cleaning himself of sweat and semen before curling up to Thor. But as the god pressed kisses to the top of Steve's head, long hair sticking to the shorter man's damp neck...Steve thought that being a little dirty wasn't necessarily a bad thing.

"Thor?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, Steve."


	7. Morning

**I do not own the lyrics mentioned. Or the song they are from, which is "All I Want Is You" by Barry Louis Polisar. I don't own him either. Enjoy!**

* * *

Thor opened his eyes. The room was flooded with sunlight. He glanced up at the clock on the wall, which read 9:57. The god could hear the shower running in the bathroom he and Steve shared- and, if he listened closely, he could make out the sounds of Steve's singing.

"_If you were a river in the mountains tall, the rumble of your water would be my call. If you were the winter, I know I'd be the snow, just as long as you were with me when the cold winds blow._"

Thor smiled. Since the song had played on the radio the other day, he'd constantly heard his lover humming or singing snatches of it. The song was...What was the common term for it? Ah, yes. Steve had the song "stuck in his head".

The god was perfectly content to lay for a while, listening to Steve's voice while dust particles danced in the sun beams.

Eventually, the shower turned off. Steve stepped out into the bedroom, towel wrapped around his waist, and hair damp. He glanced over at Thor, and smiled. "Good morning. Sleep well?" He walked over to the bed, and bent over to kiss the taller man on the lips, holding up the towel with one hand.

Thor watched as the soldier rifled through their closet, searching for something to wear. He wondered how Steve would react if he just went and ripped that towel right off of him...

The thought was interrupted when Steve said "You should probably get in there." He gestured over towards the bathroom. "Tony'll be wanting us down soon." Thor stood up, and straightened the bed-covers before heading to the shower.

* * *

He tilted his head back, letting the warm water soak his long hair. As he reached for the shampoo, Thor was startled by the sound of the hooks pulling across the shower curtain rod. A pair of arms wrapped around the god's waist.

"I figured Tony wouldn't mind_ too_ much, as long as we're down before lunch..." Thor felt Steve smiling into his damp back, as one hand drifted lower...

Thor really loved mornings.


	8. Couch

**Sorry for the low quality of this chapter. I haven't been feeling inspired lately.**

* * *

****"Odin's beard!"

Thor stood gaping at the bottom of the staircase. Tony and Bruce were tangled together on the couch- without any clothes on, or even a blanket to cover the piece of furniture. Bruce had grabbed for a cushion to cover up with, while Tony laid back on the couch, as calm as if he were a velvet clad prince in a throne room, rather than a middle aged man naked on an expensive sofa, with an embarrassed scientist beside him.

"Consider this payback for making me listen to your obscenely loud super-god sex the other night."

"Others sit on that couch! Nobody but Steve and myself sleeps in my bed!"

"I paid for this couch!"

Bruce spoke up. "Can we just pretend this never happened?"

Thor nodded. "That sounds like the best course of action." The god made a mental note to never sit on that couch again.

* * *

Steve looked up from the sofa as his lover walked into the room. "Game of Thrones is on. Watch it with me?"

"That would be pleasant." Thor sat down on the loveseat. Steve looked a bit confused.

"Why aren't you sitting here with me?"

"I forgot to mention that Stark and Banner had relations on that couch last night. I am not sitting on it again."

The super soldier looked surprised, then disgusted. He got up and sat on the loveseat by Thor.


	9. Note

**So this one takes place early on in Steve and Thor's relationship. Be warned, crack-ish moments ahead. Also, the part with the accents and such isn't my idea. It's from The Strange Attraction Syndrome by user tiffanybane. Go check it out, it's beautiful.  
**

* * *

Steve awoke, looking about the room in confusion. He _knew_ he'd fallen asleep watching The Wizard of Oz with Thor last night...The god must have actually carried him back up the stairs, and put him into bed. Last month, after weeks of training together in the gym, watching old movies that Steve had missed out on while he was in the ice, and planning out apologies for broken appliances, Thor had asked the soldier out to dinner(Paid for by Tony's credit card) and their relationship had evolved to something more than friendship.

Steve had thought he had Thor somewhat figured out- Was defensive of his brother, adored almost any unhealthy food, thought with his heart over his mind(Most of the time, anyway) and enjoyed musicals and cliche, bloody horror movies equally.

He had most certainly _not_ expected Thor to be as sweet as one of the Pop-Tarts he was constantly eating.

If Steve mentioned a book he wanted to read, he would awake to it on his night stand a day or two later. Once he'd said something about how much he liked nectarines, and walked into the kitchen a few hours later, to find about a dozen of them in a bowl on the counter. That led to Steve making a nectarine pie, in order to not waste any of the fruit(Tony liked it the most out of any of the Avengers, and considered it a sufficient apology for when Thor broke something-which was at least every couple weeks).

On the night they'd gone for dinner, it had been chilly outside, as they waited for a cab to take them home. When Steve had made a comment about it(Yes, Steve could still feel cold, even after being frozen for seventy years) Thor had taken off his jacket, and draped it over the shorter blond's shoulders.

He was _Captain America_, for God's sake. He'd fought in _World War Two, _he'd helped _save the world_ in New York-but one simple act of chivalry from a handsome Norse god had made him melt like the ice cream Clint had left out on the counter last week.

Glancing over to his bedside table, Steve noticed a note laying next to the glass he'd forgotten to take to the sink. The soldier got out of bed, picked up the note, and read it on his way out of the room.

_Did you sleep well?_

The short message wasn't signed, but Steve recognized the large, clear script. When he got to the main living room, Tony, Bruce, and Clint were already grouped around the large flat screen TV. Steve didn't recognize the show they were watching, but it currently seemed to consist of a man with short, sandy hair engaged in conversation with a taller man, who had a head full of dark curls and cheekbones that could cut through glass. Bruce and Tony looked up as the super soldier entered the room.

"Good morning."

"You look like you're doing the walk of shame."

Steve didn't know exactly what the "Walk of Shame" was, but he knew it had something to do with the fact that he was still wearing yesterday's clothes. As he went to sit on the couch, Clint's eyes went to the paper still in Steve's hand. Without bothering to ask, Clint snatched the note, reading it quickly.

Clint was feeling nosy. That was never good. When Clint was nosy, it was never on a normal level. If he wanted to know something, he would stop at nothing to find out. Whether it was asking a drunk Tony or hiding in the air vents for hours until he heard somebody mention the piece of information, Clint went above and beyond the normal standards of inquisitive. He could be Sherlock Holmes when he wanted to. This was the beginning of the end. Soon, Steve would no longer have secrets. He'd have to start whacking the vents with a broom to scare off perching hawks.

"I do believe this is a love letter." No. He was terribly wrong. Clint was in a joking mood. God help them all. Or in this case, God help Steve Rogers in what will likely be an embarrassing time.

"Well, who is it from? What does it say?" Tony was humoring him. Wonderful. And the old English accent he'd taken on was grinding at Steve's nerves.

"It's from the God of Thunder- he's asking for intercourse! And right away!"

Tony and Steve both gasped, for different reasons. Tony's was sarcastic, while Steve's was of a mixture of embarrassment and wanting to whack Clint in the head with his own bow. He and Thor hadn't even discussed sex yet- It wasn't that he didn't want to do those things with the god- he did, but he was terribly inexperienced. Between his past shrimp-like build, and fighting in the war, Steve hadn't had the opportunity to court somebody, much take them to bed. Bruce patted Steve on the shoulder in sympathy.

"Then there is no time to waste! Let us away! Clint, man the sexmobile. Bruce, you grab his arms. I'll take his legs. The moon is waning and the virginity of Steve Rogers is to be taken! We must get him to the room of Thor, and fast, before the mood is lost!"

Steve wondered how long Fury would yell at him if he attempted to strangle Tony right now.


	10. Chariot

**This is a direct continuation of the last chapter. Enjoy!  
**

* * *

"What is all this talk of a...'sexmobile'? I do not understand."

Thor had come down the stairs. He'd heard the exchange between Tony and Clint. Sweet Jesus, why.

Steve tried to save himself from further embarrassment. "They were just kidding around, Thor."_ Please let those two get the hint and shut their mouths_, the soldier prayed.

"It's hard to explain, Thor. Think of it as a vehicle that takes you away from...frustration, and towards...excitement, and release...of your unhappiness."

Damn Clint and his innuendos. And bless Thor for not knowing what Clint really meant.

The god in question nodded. "That sounds rather pleasant." Oh, Thor, you would find it pleasant.

"Think of the sexmobile as the golden chariot that will one day carry Captain Purity's virginity off into the sunset."

Thor's eyebrows practically hit the ceiling. Steve could feel the blood rushing to his face, and had an urge to smother Tony with a nearby couch cushion. He really regretted sharing certain details of his life with the billionaire.

"_Stark_, I swear I'll-"

Bruce, sensing that his partner in science had gone too far and could be in peril, stood up, grabbing Tony by the wrist and pulling him to the door. "I need some help with that experiment I'm working on."

"Didn't you finish that last ni-"

"Just stop talking, I don't want to write a eulogy. Clint, go climb through some vents or whatever you like to do."

Thank god for Bruce, though the scientist could have intervened earlier.

The archer left the room. Steve made a mental note to find a broom as soon as possible. Before Bruce was able to get Tony out of the room, the taller brunette turned back to Steve. "_Swing low, sweet chariot_-"

"_Tony_."

"You didn't say anything about communicating through song." Bruce muttered something under his breath, and soon Steve and Thor were the only two left in the living room.

The god spoke, eyebrows still raised. "You've never laid with another?" He sounded disbelieving, as if he couldn't understand how Steve hadn't shed his virginity the way a caterpillar shed it's cocoon to become a butterfly. A star-spangled butterfly, in Steve's case.

The super soldier sighed. Looks like that sex talk would be happening sooner than he expected. Lovely.


	11. Kitchen

**This is a basically yet another followup to the last couple of chapters. Sorry, but I like this mini story-arc thing I have going on. It's done, though. After this, I'll move on to some different ideas. Maybe they'll try to get Steve drunk. I don't know. Again, somewhat cracky moments ahead. Enjoy!**

* * *

"Are you sure nobod- _Oh_!"**  
**

Tony stopped dead in his tracks. He'd left the lab to get some food for Bruce and himself, knowing that they would likely be working for a long time.

"You like it?"

There was a ragged breath, followed by a "Yes!"

They were not...They _were_. Oh god. Not his clean counter tops. He was definitely sanitizing those later. Under normal circumstances, Tony would be happy for Steve, since, far as he knew, the soldier had never gotten any. But he was not going to let Steve and Thor get their godly or patriotic bodily fluids all over his kitchen. The billionaire decided to warn them before coming in, not wanting to see the two blonds in action.

"_Swing low, sweet chariot, coming to carry me home_!"

There was a gasp, accompanied by some rustling. As Tony strode into the kitchen and gathered bread and lunch meat, he looked over at the couple. Steve was looking away from him, face red as the stripes on his uniform, while Thor merely looked inconvenienced. The brunette turned to address them, eyebrows high and plate of sandwiches in hand.

"Next time, get a room we don't make food in."

* * *

"What took you?" Bruce asked, taking a sandwich.

"Be grateful, I just saved the kitchen from getting splattered with star-spangled semen."

Years later, Tony would still remember, and still laugh over, the expression on Bruce's face.


	12. Radar

**Crackish moments ahead. I've been putting that in my author's notes a lot lately...Oh well! Enjoy!**

* * *

Tony flicked through the channels, a bored expression on his face. Natasha, Bruce, and Steve had gone to get groceries, leaving him with Thor and Clint for company. Thor had seen his lover off with a kiss and a request for Wild-Berry Pop-Tarts. He had to admit, those two were pretty great together. They practically never argued, and Tony was always finding them snuggled up somewhere, Steve drawing furiously while Thor spoke of Asgard and adventures he'd been on. Then there was the time Tony had almost walked in on them in the kitchen- but that was something to never be spoken of. Like Budapest...

Tony looked over at Clint, who was in his usual spot on the couch, glass in hand. He was sure there was something going on between the archer and Natasha. Romantic tension, at the very least. He'd seen the way they looked at each other. Might as well investigate...

"How's it going with Nat?"

Clint looked up from his drink. "There's nothing 'going', Tony." Apparently Legolas still needed to grow a pair and make a move.

The billionaire clicked off the TV, after deciding there was nothing interesting on. Thor hadn't said anything the whole time, too busy flipping through a sketchbook that could only belong to Captain Purity. Those were some pretty damn good drawings. Tony didn't even bother putting Point Break in the DVD player- he knew from experience that it would only lead to Clint hiding in the air vents and screeching "Caw caw motherfucker!" at him when he walked by. The guy wouldn't know a good movie if smacked him in the face with his own bow.

"So how's it going with the boy-scout? Done anything interesting lately?" Tony asked, glancing over at Thor. The god smiled at the question, and Tony figured he would get a description of the last movie the two blonds had watched together, or something along those lines.

That was definitely NOT what he got.

"Last night, Steven allowed me to bring him to release with my mouth."

Flashing red lights went off in Tony's conscience, along with a blaring horn that screamed in a voice like that of Nick Fury: _TMI Radar, TMI Raaadaar, too much information, keep it to yourself, I don't want to know where your mouth has been_- The billionaire's eyebrows leapt up on his forehead.

Clint, who'd been taking a sip of his drink when Tony asked the question, started to choke. Tony pounded his friend's back, cursing the moment Thor had decided to be so open about his sex life.

"Dammit, I think you broke Legolas."

"My apologies, friends. But you asked of the happenings in my relationship, and I answered."

As Clint's breathing returned to normal, Tony heaved a sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger. He looked up at Thor. Who'd had Steve's dick in his mouth. Ugh. Dear god, why did he have to know about that.

"Okay, new rule. If Steve wouldn't tell me about it, you don't tell me either. Alright?"

"I understand."

"Good."

_I need a drink._

As Tony strode into the kitchen, he was suddenly grateful that Steve couldn't get drunk. Alcohol tended to make people talkative, and he was pretty sure he'd pass out if Captain Purity started talking about where his dick had been.


	13. Warning

"So you and Steve are together now?" It was a sunny Wednesday morning, and Thor and Tony were wasting it by staying inside. The billionaire was forcing his godly teammate into watching Point Break- and had taken the pre-movie advertisements as an opportunity to ask about his love life.

"Yes, we are." Thor looked stupidly happy when he answered, and Tony couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy. But there was something more important to think about.

"And you guys are doing okay together?"

"Yes."

"Good." Tony's expression suddenly turned deadly serious, and he looked into Thor's eyes with an almost uncomfortable level of intensity. "Because I know I hassle him a lot, and it seems like I just use him as an target for my jokes...But I like him. He's like a cousin who I've known about my whole life, but only met recently. And if you hurt him..." The billionaire clamped a hand onto Thor's shoulder- as if his expression wasn't already getting the point across.

"Keep in mind that I have a basement full of weapons, and my best friend is the _Hulk- _Who did a pretty good job kicking your brother's ass. If you bring a single non-happiness tear to Spangles' eye, we can send you back to Valhalla in a full-body cast, god or not. Got it?"

Thor wriggled out of Tony's grasp. "I understand." The god straightened up in his seat. "But be assured that I would _never_ hurt Steve."

"Glad we're on the same page." The billionaire dropped back into his previous good mood, turning his attention to the movie, which had finally gotten past the ads, and was almost past the beginning credits. "Now focus, Rapunzel, this is film gold we're watching..."


End file.
